Secret Origin of the Super Friends

Producer: --thing on? Hello, testing. Testing. It looks like it's working. I see things spinning here. Anyway. Ah hem. Well, I just wanted to thank you guys for your work on that special, Scooby Doo meets Star Trek.

Writer1: Thanks.
Wrtier2: Yeah, that was fun to write.

Producer: I liked how, whenever the bad guy said, "Hey you, with the pointed ears!" both Spock AND Scooby Doo would look. That just never got old.

Writer1: I wrote that!
Writer2: I wrote the "Hey You" part.
Writer1: That's right, you did.

Producer: That was classic. Anyway. Ah hem. I've got a new assignment for you guys.

Writer1: Cool. Who does Scooby Doo meet this time?
Writer2: I think Steve Jobs would be a great idea. It's my idea.
Writer1: And Bill Gates! They could solve a mystery.
Writer2: Or they could both own a bakery.
[Silence]
Writer2: See, Shaggy and Scooby Doo like to eat. And a bakery has food.

Producer: Oh! I get it now. Well, uh, anyway, this new project...isn't Scooby Doo. It's...the Justice League of America.

Writer1: Oh my God, really?
Writer2: Superman, Batman, all those guys?

Producer: Yep!

Writer1: Oh wow, I love those comics!
Writer2: Me too, I'm gonna write the best scripts ever!

Producer: Also...the Legion of Doom!

Writer1: Who's that?
Writer2: Isn't that Marvel comics?

Producer: No, you're thinking of Doctor Doom.

Writer2: Oh yeah.

Producer: No, the Legion of Doom is some of the big DC villains. Lex Luthor, Brainiac, Gorilla Grodd, Solomon Grundy, Toyman, and so on.

Writer1: The Joker?

Producer: No, we couldn't get The Joker. Not sure why. We have the Riddler, though. And Scarecrow.

Writer2: Toyman is not a great villain.

Producer: Yeah, but the thing is, we've got a whole bunch of them, and they're always plotting to take over the world, and the Justice League has to stop them.

Writer1: This is just so awesome. I'm gonna write a scene where Aquaman punches Gorilla Grodd in the face!
Writer2: And I'm gonna write a scene where Lex Luthor punches Toyman in the face!

Producer: But they're on the same side.

Writer2: Well, I'll write a scene where Luthor says, "Sorry."

Producer: Great ideas, guys, but we can't do any of that.

Writer1: Do any of what?

Producer: We can't have any violence at all.

[Silence]

[Writer1 and Writer2 burst into laughter.]

Writer1: Oh, that was hilarious!
Writer2: Man, you really had me going!

Producer: I'm serious. See this? This is my serious face.

Writer1: So, we have super heroes, and super villains, vying with each other--
Writer2: --but they're not allowed to fight? How does that work?
Writer1: Yeah, where do you get any conflict?
Writer2: The two groups are against each other, right?
Writer1: What do they do, compete in bake sales?
Writer2: No, they vie in bake sales.
Writer1: Good word choice.
Writer2: You wrote it.

Producer: The Legion has to scheme things, and the League thwarts those schemes. Oh, and they can shoot rays at each other, or dispatch robots and stuff.

Writer1: Solomon Grundy can't scheme!
Writer2: Okay, so I'm gonna write a scene where Brainiac shoots a ray at Hawkman, and burns--

Producer: No, no, no, no, no! You can't have burning. The ray can immobilize them, or make them dizzy, or sleepy, or maybe--if you're careful--knock them flying a bit. They have to regain control right away, though. You should know this from all those Scooby Doo shows you guys won Emmies for--these shows are for kids, and it's irresponsible to show people using violence to solve their problems, to kids. Unless it's against robots or rock monsters.

Writer1: Then what's the point? Why not use Scooby Doo again?

Producer: Well, we just paid a lot to license these characters--

Writer2: Yeah, these characters, super-heroes from comic books! Have you read them?

Producer: No, but the name recognition among the target audience--

Writer1: --an audience who're going to kill us if there aren't any fights!
Writer2: When we read comics as kids, we loved all the violence!
Writer1: Even when we were kids, we knew it was all pretend. And we were just average kids.

Producer: Yes. But then you became adults. Adults with a job, and a measure of power. And with power comes responsibility. Wait a minute, let me write that down.

Writer2: Man, this...is depressing.

Producer: There's always Scooby Doo again. You're both good at that. I hear they're planning another Gilligan cartoon, Gilligan's Empire.

Writer1: No, no. We'll do it.
Writer2: Without fighting. We'll try. Justice League...it's still cool.

Producer: Oh. I forgot about that. That's not the title.

Writer1: I'm afraid to ask.
Writer2: I'm even more afraid than he is.

Producer: Well, we're hoping to sell this overseas, where "justice" isn't that popular a concept. Also, we want to foster self-esteem and good fellowship. So the actual title is "The Super Friends."

Writer1: What are they, Quakers?
Writer2: Man. That's not even a challenge.

Producer: Say, that's a good idea. "Challenge...of the Super Friends." What's that noise? Oh, I think it's time to change the ta--[screeeeee click]

[Whirr click]

Voice: Okay, I've put in a new tape. See you guys later.

Writer1: Thanks, Ramirez.
Writer2: Yeah, you're good people. Person.
Writer1: A people-person.
Writer2: Personally. Personality. Where were we?
Writer1: Did you drink all the beers?
Writer2: I didn't drink any of the ones you drank.
Writer1: Who drank those?!
Writer2: I don't remember. Some guy who looked like you, only shorter.
Writer1: That's a good line. Let's write that one down. Luthor could say it.
Writer2: Okay, what have we got?
Writer1: "Act one. Scene One. Luthor: Some shorter guy drank those beers."
Writer2: Golden. Just golden. What else?
Writer1: "Property Hanna-Barbara."
Writer2: Is that still Luthor talking?
Writer1: Doesn't say. I think you wrote that one.
Writer2: I bet I did.

Producer: Hey guys, how's everything go--oh my God! You guys are drunk!

Writer1: I'm not as drunk as he is.
Writer2: And he's twice as drunk as me.

Producer: This is terrible! I've got to get story outlines to the animators in less than an hour! [Pause] You guys better come up with something, or it's Gilligan's Empire for you. Understand?

Writer1: Sure we understand. We're writers.
Writer2: We write things so others don't have to.

[Slam]

Writer1: Did he seem angry?
Writer2: I wasn't paying attention.
Writer1: Well, let's work some more.
Writer2: Why not? We've still got some beer. Beer works.
Writer1: Okay. Here we go. Aquaman...in space.
Writer2: No, Hawkman. He has wings.
Writer1: Okay. Hawkman, Black Vulcan, and Wonder Woman, in space.
Writer2: But only Wonder Woman has a helmet.
Writer1: Yeah. That works.
Writer2: So, they're in space, um, fixing...
Writer1: A satellite. In space.
Writer2: Yeah. Because NASA forgot to call the repair people.
Writer1: And the warrantee expired.
Writer2: Brilliant!
Writer1: Okay, they're in space, and Brainiac...hides the earth from them, so they can't get back.
Writer2: How'd he do that?
Writer1: How should I know? You're the writer.
Writer2: Oh yeah. I forgot.
Writer1: He has...

[Pause]

Writer2: ...a cloaking device, but it's only the size of a hairdryer.
Writer1: Why would Brainiac have a hairdryer?
Writer2: He wouldn't. That's the whole point.
Writer1: Man. You sure earned that Emmy.
Writer2: No, you did. Anyway, your turn.
Writer1: Okay. So. Toyman disguises his voice--
Writer2: --man I hate Toyman--
Writer1: --disguises his voice like Superman, and tells the...three of them in space, that Earth has been moved a million--
Writer2: --a billion.
Writer1: --a TRILLION light years away. So they fly off back to where they think Earth is now.
Writer2: That should be a whole show right there.
Writer1: No, it's only...it's just a few minutes.
Writer2: This is taking forever. Let's just say they fall into a black hole. The end.
Writer1: Sounds good to me.

[Chairs scraping, door opening, door closing]
[Pause]
[Door opening, door closing, chairs scraping]

Writer2: ...what did he mean, incomprehensible?
Writer1: I don't know. You're the writer.
Writer2: No you are.
Writer1: No, you.
Writer2: You.
Writer1: Oh. You're right.
Writer2: I have to disagree with him. I don't think we're drunk enough.
Writer1: Not if we have to write more of this, no.
Writer2: Okay, so we have them falling into a black hole.
Writer1: And inside the black hole, Toyman has a whole planet full of toys.
Writer2: What's with you and Toyman? Geez.
Writer1: Toys means running time. Suppose Gorilla Grodd was in there? They'd punch him and go home.
Writer2: No punching.
Writer1: Oh. Yeah.
Writer2: So he has a giant pinball machine, and a doll house, with a doll and a stuffed tiger.
Writer1: Pinball isn't a toy.
Writer2: You want me to have no fun?
Writer1: Okay, fine, pinball. But Wonder Woman's in one of the balls.
Writer2: How'd she get in there?
Writer1: She fell in a hole. When she came out, she was in a pinball.
Writer2: Okay, I’ll buy that. Next, Black Vulcan gets put in the doll's bottle.
Writer1: He cuts his way out with electricity, though.
Writer2: Glass doesn't conduct electricity.
Writer1: What did you say?
Writer2: I wasn't listening, sorry.
Writer1: So, anyway, they all fly away from the black hole.
Writer2: Sounds good. Sounds like the end.

[Chairs scraping, door opening, door closing]
[Pause]
[Door opening, door closing, chairs scraping]

Writer1: ...how many other Super Friends are there?
Writer2: More to the point, what do we do with them?
Writer1: More to the better point, where's the beer?
Writer2: It's down here. Where I'm sitting
Writer1: Oh good. I'm going to sit there too.
Writer2: Okay, well, Black Vulcan, Wonder Woman and Hawkman can't get out of the black hole.
Writer1: Superman gets them out.
Writer2: Green Lantern could, too.
Writer1: Why not both?
Writer2: Why not both, merged together into one person?
Writer1: Even better. I bet this wins an Emmy.
Writer2: How did they get to the black hole?
Writer1: Hmmm...the Riddler!
Writer2: Where?
Writer1: No, no...in the story. The Riddler sends ALL the rest of the Super Friends clues, so they can find the others.
Writer2: Why would he do that?
Writer1: He's the ultimate evil, for everyone, even the bad guys. Where does he send them?
Writer2: An abandoned mine.
Writer1: A planet of Amazons.
Writer2: The mine first, I think.
Writer1: Depends on how much running time we need.
Writer2: Or beer.
Writer1: Beer, yes.
Writer2: Well. Eventually they all find the black hole planet.
Writer1: Yeah, well. And "Super-Green Lantern-Man" gets them out.
Writer2: With no punching.
Writer1: At all.
Writer2: What are the bad guys doing all this time?
Writer1: Do we have to write that?
Writer2: You know he'll ask.
Writer1: Umm...Luthor calls up the world on his viewscreen and demands money.
Writer2: And everyone from the world gives it to them.
Writer1: The money, that is.
Writer2: Of course. What did you mean?
Writer1: I don't remember.
Writer2: But the...Super Friends [starts giggling]...
Writer1: Stop it, you're going to get me doing it [starts giggling]

[Uncontrollable laughter for some time.]

Writer2: Okay, okay, enough.
Writer1: Yeah, we have to finish this.

[Uncontrollable laughter for some time.]

Writer2: ...the Super Friends defeat the villains at the drive-in.
Writer1: No, at the airport.
Writer2: Better! But Brainiac uses his cloaking device, and the Doom guys escape.
Writer1: Let's see if we're done.

[Chairs scraping, door opening, door closing]
[Pause]
[Door opening, door closing, chairs scraping]

Writer1: ...all right! One out of the box. Or the park. Or the airport!
Writer2: One of them DONE! Done on the stove. Well done!

Producer: Great job, boys. Careful, careful, here's the chair. You guys should really cut down.

Writer1: Cut down a tree.
Writer2: Cut down TOYMAN!

Producer: I noticed you didn't use Bizarro or Cheetah of the villains, and they're my favorites. Can you write something with them?

Writer1: Heck yeah, we'll write a whole world of Bizarros and Cheetahs.
Writer2: And DREAM SEQUENCES THAT ARE REAL!

Producer: Good thing this is all on tape. Here, I'll clear some space on your shelf for your next Emmy. First, I'm going to have one of these beers. I have to talk to the animators next.